Are you a dentist? We can't be friends.

"Mama did you get me the dental floss? And a new toothbrush? Oh I also need mouthwash please"- I tried to sound nonchalant, as if being obsessed with my dental hygiene has always been my thing.

But the raised eyebrows on top of unmistakeably surprised expressions on both my parents' countenance forced me to hurriedly quit the act and come clean.
"What I'm supposed to go to the dentist soon, so I must make my teeth presentable!". I avoided eye contact, I was guilty as charged. But hey, at least I'm trying to make last minute amends!

You see, although I brush my teeth 3 times semi-thoroughly, I just find flossing to be among the DULLEST, most annoying tasks ever invented. It is mind-numbingly boring. And as for the mouthwash, let me just leave you with this little excerpt from our average household conversations:

(Overheard by me from another room)
Mom: I'm telling you, it's the best way to lose weight. It's 100% guaranteed. Magic!

Some of you will not think that the above sentence is weird, but in fact falls perfectly within the expected topics of discussion by moms. But you haven't met my mom. I don't recall her EVER engaging in a conversation that included the word "diet", let alone actually exchange fad diets with her friends and acquaintances.
So to hear my mom vouch for a magical diet understandably got me extremely curious.

"What is mom? what is? tell me tell me!!"- ready to hang on every word she's about to utter. After all, this is every girl's dream come true. A magical diet! I could make money out of this:P

Mom: It's that mouthwash the dentist gave me. I use it early in the morning, and I just can't stomach the idea of food for HOURS after that. I don't even drink my morning coffee!!! I can't even describe it.
Me: *momentarily disappointed* Oh.
*quickly recover* Wait, that is a handy piece of info. Actually, it has the potential to be brilliant. Let me try it.......
*gargle*
OH CRAP THAT'S TORTURE!!!

It's not just an appetite killer, I can tell you this much.

So yeah, mouthwash is on my blacklist too.

And yet when it's time for my dentist's visit, and I am reminded of that horrifying sound of the drilling thingie they use. Suddenly, flossing and gargling mouthwash become as appealing as consuming a bucketful of ice-cream. I start religiously using them about a month before my visit. I figure, a month of flossing and gargling with a mint-flavored nightmare is guaranteed to revive them back to a top-notch condition in time for my check-up. Perfect plan, right?

WRONG.
Then dentist always goes off script!!
Despite all the nights spent flossing, and the weird sound effets I produce while using the mouthwash, I am still continuously greeted with the same frown and a "hmmmm" that chills me to the bones, as she checks on my teeth. The rest is, well, too painful to relate.
I love my dentist, she's a friend of the family and she's amazing at what she does. But when she starts drilling, I can barely fight the urge to bite her hand raw, or strangle her and end her career of torturing the innocent.

I walk out of the clinic, carrying lips that feel like they're the size of a ripe mango and mumbling incomprehensibly. Come to think of it, the mumbling part isn't entirely the dentist's fault. But the funny feeling in my mouth definitely is.

Bottom line is: Dentists aren't my favorite kind of people. I don't think I'll ever have a dentist as a best friend. Or marry a dentist. Or have my kid become a dentist. My relationship with dentists must remain a bare minimum; once every 6 or so months, much like my relationship with my floss. The very bare minimum.